yakface speaketh!

Howdy,

I saw X-Men 3 a few days ago and, for those of you who haven’t seen the movie, it is chock full of a bunch of generic "bad guy" mutants. Apparently if you’re a mutant, but not part of the X-Men, then you are either Emo or Goth and very disgruntled with the world.

Anyway, there were hundreds of these pleebs being led into battle by the big bad guy Magneto. They were all supposed to be lower level mutants without really powerful abilities. Essentially that just meant they didn’t get a cool name like "Storm" or "Pyro" and we generally didn’t get to know what their exciting ability was (besides being Goth/Emo). They just seemed to jump around, or maybe teleport if they were extra cool. Mostly, they just seemed to get chopped up by Wolverine or other X-Men.

As I saw them getting blasted, shocked, punched, or hacked to pieces, I couldn’t help but muse: "I wonder what wonderful power that guy had before he was mercilessly killed by the X-Men?" Perhaps he had the ability to blow out all the birthday candles on a cake with his nose? Or maybe he could sweat beer in times of great stress?

I feel a deep sadness that I will never know what set that unique and special mutant so far apart from humanity that he/she had to dress like an overboard Cure fan.

Back on point: I have figured out what my mutant ability is. I have known for a while, but was afraid to fully come to the realization that I am, in fact, a mutant. It is a powerful burden, and I learned from the Spider-man movies that with great power comes great responsibility, and I want to assure you all that I will not abuse this ability for personal gain. I will, apparently, have to start dressing in fish-net shirts and get some tatoos/piercings. Be prepared for that.

What is my amazing power, you ask? It’s simple:

If I get my car washed, within a week it will rain, no matter what time of year or what the weather forecasters say!

Bam! I know it’s exciting!

I was trying to come up with my cool mutant name, and because "Rain-man" is pretty much taken, I came up with: Rain-On-My-Clean-Car-Man. Pretty good, huh?

Of course, my career will basically consist of running towards the X-Men and getting chopped/blasted/shocked/punched. But I think that’s pretty much the best that any of us third-string mutants can really hope for.

Do I have a treat for you today.

I’ve long been working on a system to predict which cars at a stoplight will "come off the line" quicker when the light turns green, and now I’m ready to share this amazing system with the world.

You may be a little confused, but rest assured, all will be made clear to you in just a moment. This system is based off stereotypes collected and determined over the past 10+ years of driving, by me (and me alone), so all results are naturally correct and perfect.

You may be wondering: "why in god’s name would I need to know which car is going to accelerate faster at a light?" That is a perfectly valid question and the answer is this:

Say there is an emergency, and you’re trying to get somewhere as quickly as possible. You’re pulling up to a stoplight and there are three lanes available. There is exactly one car in each lane already stopped at the light. A whole bunch more cars are coming up behind you, so whatever lane you pick you are going to be locked into for a while. You need to get to the next intersection as quickly as possible to make sure you get through it before the light turns red, and if you’re stuck behind some slow car, you’re probably screwed.

But luckily, with my amazing new system, you can quickly assess the three different vehicles and decide with relative certainty which one you should get behind.

Please note that this will never be 100% accurate. It is based off of stereotypes and generalizations, and as sure as Michael Jackson is white man you can be sure that stereotypes will always have their exceptions. There will always be the chance a mini-van filled with kids will burn off the line and beat the rocker in his lowered Ford Mustang. Anything is possible, but this system will simply give you the best possible chance to succeed.

Here are the modifiers that apply to each car where appropriate. In all cases a vehicle only receives a particular modifier a single time unless the modifier specifically says otherwise:

Type of Vehicle

The vehicle is an SUV: -1

The vehicle is a Hybrid: -1

The vehicle is a Minivan: -2

The vehicle is a Pickup Truck full of equipment/items in the truck bed: -2

The vehicle is an otherwise large vehicle (bus/semi-truck/garbage truck,etc): -3

The vehicle is a Muscle or Sports car: +1

The vehicle was made between 10 and 20 years ago: -1

The vehicle was made more than 20 years ago: -2

Vehicle Adornment/Modifications

There are towels or Doilies over the back seat headrests, or in the rear window area: -1

There are Bobble-head dolls or Stuffed Animals in the rear window area (-1 for each doll or animal): -1

There is a box of Kleenex in the rear window area: -1

The vehicle has one or more Environmental bumper stickers: -1

The vehicle has one or more religious (not counting satanists) bumper stickers: -1

The vehicle has one or more punk/rock/satanic/etc. bumper stickers: +1

The vehicle has racing stickers and/or racing detailing (such as racing stripes): +1

The vehicle has body damage or appears otherwise poorly maintained: -1

The vehicle has been modified to improve its performance (lowered, wide tires, over-sized spoiler, large exhaust pipe, etc): +1

The vehicle has custom rims or is "tricked out" with after-market parts: +1

Driver/Vehicle Behaviors

The driver is turned, talking to a passenger: -2

The driver is looking for something on the floor of the vehicle: -2

The driver is talking on a cell phone: -2

The driver appears to be intently watching the intersection lights of
the cross traffic to get a jump on the light turning green: +1

The vehicle has stopped a half a car length (or more) from the edge of the intersection: -1

The vehicle is inching forward towards the intersection in
anticipation or is already stopped several feet into the intersection:
+1

Driver/Passenger Characteristics

The driver wears eye glasses (not sunglasses): -1

The driver is male, aged 16 to 24: +1

The driver is male, between the ages of 45-60: -1

The driver is a female between the ages of 24-60: -1

The driver is male or female and over the age of 60: -2

There are 3 people in the vehicle (and the driver isn’t a male under the age of 24): -1

There are 4 or more people in the vehicle (and the driver isn’t a male under the age of 24): -2

The vehicle has one or more passengers and all occupants are under the age of 24: +1

The vehicle contains any number of children under the age of 16: -2

 

Applying the modifiers: When you are pulling up to an intersection, look at each vehicle, apply the appropriate modifiers and add them together to get a grand total for each vehicle. Then compare that vehicle’s grand total with the grand totals of the vehicles in other lanes to determine which car has the best chance of accelerating the fastest.

The lower the number, the more likely the vehicle will accelerate slowly. The greater the difference in grand totals between vehicles the greater the chance that one vehicle will accelerate faster than another vehicle.

For example, in one lane you have a Minivan (-2), with a "Save the Earth sticker" (-1), driven by a woman in her late thirties (-1), with three kids (4 people in the car: -2) who are under the age of 16 (-1). The total for the Minivan is -7; which is pretty darn low.

In the other lane is a Hybrid car (-1), driven by a 23 year old (+1) male, who is talking on his cell phone (-2). That car’s total is: -2.

With a difference of 5 between each car’s total, you can safely assume that the Hybrid will pull off the line faster than the minivan filled with kids when the light turns green.

There you have it. Although it may seem daunting at first, give it a try and tell me how it works for you.

Here are some random facts/tidbits about me. Some you may know already, others you’d rather you didn’t know (that’s the obligatory warning, turn back now if you’re faint of heart).

1) I like cats better than dogs. This may be because I grew up with cats in my house and not dogs. Or perhaps it’s because the attention/affection dogs give takes little or no effort to achieve (most dogs love everybody), and therefore it seems somehow hollow to me. On the other hand, with most cats you have to really work for that attention/affection so then when a cat actually likes you, you feel rather special. What does that say about my personality? I’ll let you figure that out.

2) I used to hate the beach growing up because I’d always swallow a little salt water swimming in the ocean and it would make me sick, and I hated how the sand would get absolutely everywhere on your body once you got wet. Now (thanks to running weekly at the beach) I love the beach, although I still don’t care for swimming in the ocean. I had a few bad experiences of being sucked under the water from big waves and I think it still subconsciously affects me. Also, the last time I went snorkeling I accidentally sucked in too much salt water and ended up throwing up on the ride home.

3) I don’t like wearing socks to bed at night. I think this is because my mom (who is a doctor) told me if your feet sweat at night this is an easy way to get Athlete’s foot. Whether or not it’s true, I grew up believing that and now I just don’t like wearing socks to bed, although I still will when it’s just too damn cold to do otherwise.

4) I really don’t like the thought of things cutting or puncturing skin (especially my skin). This translates into a strong dislike of knives, scissors, razor blades, needles, etc, etc, etc. It’s okay when I’m handling them (I tend to take extra special care), but when I’m watching others with these types of items I’m always afraid they’re going to slip and cut themselves. I really, really don’t like situations where I know I’m going to have to have my skin punctured (giving blood, getting a shot, etc). I don’t have any idea where this phobia came from, but my sisters did start chasing me around the house with knives once they found out about this. They suck.

5) Taking a crap on a toilet while wearing a coat on makes me feel weird. It’s happened once or twice in my life (usually in a public restroom) and I don’t like it. I’m sure if I grew up in an arctic climate and I had to take craps in freezing outhouses I’d be totally used to it, but I didn’t and I’m not. On the flip-side something seems wrong taking a crap when totally naked too. I don’t know why that is either. I guess I just like wearing a shirt and having pants around my ankles when I take a dump. Who knew? I told you some of this stuff you wouldn’t want to know. . .

6) Whenever I’m skiing really, really fast my mind starts continually playing images of me falling down as hard as possible with my limbs flailing, bones breaking, and my skis smashing into my body all in super slow-motion. This usually has the effect of getting me to slow down a bit (although not always).

7) I’ve never broken a bone in my life. As a baby I apparently fell through a window and cut my head. I fell off my bike as a kid and scraped up my face. I knocked out some teeth playing Spider-man as a kid. I got in a fight in Junior High and got my face pummeled pretty well. I’ve had severe back pains, sprains, scrapes and bruises but no breaks. Maybe I’m blessed and maybe I’m just cautious. Perhaps my fear of cuts has subconsciously kept me out of situations where I might get severely injured?

I’ve been in exactly one fight in my life and that was in Junior High (as mentioned above). I wore a cup to protect my ‘nads, but the guy never tried to kick me there. He was quite a bit taller than me and had fought other kids many times. He had quite a reach advantage over me (was probably a foot or two taller), was wearing a ring, and proceeded to beat my head until I told him the fight was over and that he had kicked my ass. Then my friends and I rode our bikes away. It was quite silly, although he didn’t talk as much shit to me as he used to after the fight.

9) I’ve worked at an Amusement Park (Great America in Santa Clara) selling Hamburgers, at Michaels art store in the framing department, at my dad’s print shop running the copiers, learning how to run the printing press, and delivering orders. I worked at AMC movie theaters first as a concessionist, then as an usher, box office personnel, a projectionist, a supervisor and (years later) as a manager, finally as a "house" manager (an unofficial title that means I sort of ran the entire theater). I worked for Sega testing video games (nice) and at Electronic Boutique selling video games. I worked as a Production Assistant and Assistant Editor on the Christopher Lowell Show and in the Tape Vault at Blind Date/5th Wheel (Bobwell productions). And, of course, my current job as an Assistant Editor/Night Supervisor at Kober Post Productions.

10) In High School I played JV Soccer for the first two years, and then quit when I only made the JV team again in my Junior year. I also played on the Badminton team (yep, that’s right). I may have been the best white guy on our team (that’s not saying much), although I don’t believe I ever won a singles game (I did win some doubles games though). Besides that, I didn’t participate in any other after-school activities, although I was the school’s M.C. in my senior year for all events, rallies, etc.