yakface speaketh!

It’s been nearly two weeks since my last blog entry and I’m a little shocked, but I really shouldn’t be. It doesn’t seem like that much time has passed, but since all I do recently is work and sleep it really isn’t surprising that the days have simply melted away while to me it seems like no time has passed at all.

Last week alone I worked more than 75 hours. Ugh. That’s just way, way too much for me.

But anyway, there was one incident in the last few weeks that has stuck with me like a flaming arrow vomited forth from the darkness of a moonless night:

That is my encounter with the ultimate tranny.

Many of you may not be aware, but Hollywood isn’t all the glamor and glitz portrayed in movies, television and the exciting pages of important journalistic periodicals such as "US Weekly" and "Star".

No my friends, for those who have lived in and/or visited Hollywood you know the truth: most of Hollywood, although not without it’s peculiar charms, only really showcases the glamor of fast food establishments, run-down commercial buildings and hard working guys and gals selling a dozen roses or a bag of pistachio nuts on the corner.

The particular niche of Hollywood that my job resides in seems to be home to the highest concentration of transvestites I’ve ever seen, and remember, that includes San Francisco.

There either must be some sort of transvestite "spawning point" like those found in video games that constantly births them, or else there is some secret meeting place, kind of like a transvestite Justice League of America, where they all gather on a regular basis to discuss the issues that face their community.

Whatever the case may be, I rarely go a day without spotting a transvestite on the corner dressed in some ridiculously garish outfit. It has gotten to the point that when I see an actual female woman person walking around this area I do a double take and almost ram my car into a building; I’m just that surprised.

But back on topic: The other day I saw a transvestite standing on the corner waiting for the light to turn green. As I passed by himher, all my other thoughts totally drained away and I was totally struck by the glory of the ultimate tranny.

If I could fly around the earth and turn back time like Superman I would totally go buy a camera phone and snap a picture of the ultimate tranny. But I can’t, so unfortunately you’ll have to make do with just your own imagination.

The ultimate tranny was so totally ultimate because heshe made, by far, the least attempt to try to look like a female of any transvestite I have ever seen. Heshe was totally comfortable with hisher look and seemed to care less about what anyone else in this world thought of himher. That kind of confidence is extremely admirable in my book.

The ultimate tranny appeared to be of middle-eastern descent. Heshe had a very dark complexion with big bushy black eyebrows and a dark, dark 10 o’clock shadow of a beard. Hisher hair was cut quite short and bleached stark blonde/white.

Heshe was wearing a dirty wife-beater (complete with exposed dark chest hair) and a very small dirty white jeans skirt. This awesome outfit was rounded off by some dirty white sneakers (think: low-topped Converse style).

Heshe was standing with hisher shoulders slouched forward, one hand perched on hisher hip and hisher pelvic region thrust forward. In other words, displaying the worst posture you’ve ever seen.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what became of the ultimate tranny. The light turned green and heshe walked off amongst the dusty streets of Hollywood.

But I’ll never forget the ultimate tranny. I just wish you all could have been there to see himher, and we could have basked in the glory together.

Here’s my admittance of guilt: I speed constantly. Everyday; all the time. I roll through stop signs, tailgate, make illegal u-turns, cut across several lanes of traffic, and even occasionally run red lights.

Yep. I freely admit I do all of that on a regular basis. So why do I still think of myself as a "good" driver?

I don’t know. Perhaps everyone thinks of themselves as a good driver (which would help explain why there are actually so many bad drivers on the road)? If you don’t think you’re a bad driver why would you try to change or improve anything? You wouldn’t (and we don’t).

Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m just deluded. Could be.

But a big reason perhaps I feel that way is because I’ve had my license for nearly fifteen years and I haven’t caused a traffic accident in all that time. That seems like a pretty good achievement.

Full-disclosure: There was one time in a McDonald’s parking lot some old German lady ran a stop sign and T-boned me. I even saw her coming at me and honked my horn. She suddenly saw me and freaked out instead of hitting her brakes she just let the car slam right into mine. There was nothing I could have done to prevent that accident.

Also, when I was around seventeen/eighteen I fell asleep at the wheel on the way back from a road trip to Santa Barbara. My car spun off the road, but I luckily did no damage to it or anything else. I did learn a lesson I’ve never forgotten since: don’t ever drive tired and pull over to sleep if you feel yourself getting sleepy.

I’m obviously not perfect but in all that time, despite my apparently "reckless" driving style, I’ve never hit another car/person/animal/building/small child/etc. Besides the crazy German lady, I haven’t been hit by anyone else either.

Am I just really lucky? Maybe. But also the way I drive may actually help me avoid accidents.

You see, I consider myself an offensive or aggressive driver. I definitely do drive fast and somewhat recklessly, but I think I also pay more attention to the road than your average motorist.

I try not to talk on a cell phone when I’m in the car and when I do, I try to use a headset. If I have a passenger in the car I don’t look over at them when having a conversation.

Because I’m going fast, I’m always checking my mirrors for the police, or in case I need to make an quick lane change. I’m also looking out ahead for ways around/through the traffic and I try to stay aware of gaps in lanes next to me so I can cut around if a slow car is in front of me.

Growing up playing video games has probably helped to give me pretty good hand-eye coordination.

In fact, from my experiences, the people who drive a bit fast/recklessly aren’t the drivers you need to watch out for. Those people have to pay attention to the road in order to drive that way.

Its the people who are driving slowly that are the real danger. These are the people who are on the phone or are distracted by things going on in their vehicle. Perhaps they’re old and their vision and reflexes aren’t what they used to be. They could just be thinking about their work, their spouses, how much they hate their life, whatever.

The point is, a whole lot of people driving slow aren’t paying attention to what’s happening on the road. Driving slowly and/or leaving an inordinate amount of distance between themselves and the car in front of them are merely symptoms of this.

So what’s my point? I’m not sure. I’m just a little frustrated because although how I drive is clearly illegal, I feel my record indicates that I’m also actually a rather safe driver. But that doesn’t matter to the law and $350 for a ticket from red light camera is just too painful to ignore.

You’d think I would have really learned something from the first one I got. . .but like a rat in a maze I guess I haven’t been shocked enough times to learn that I need to turn right instead of left.

The sad thing is, I’m still driving the exact same way.

How do you change something about yourself you don’t want to change? Is that even possible? I’m thinking no.