yakface speaketh!

Another season of the Jack Bauer Power Hour (aka the TV show "24") is just about to be released upon those-of-us-who-are-not-worthy.

If you’ve never actually watched a full season of "24" I’m just gonna tell you that you’ve missed on out on some fine action/drama/cliffhangers. Now is your chance to fufill your new year’s resolution to watch more quality television (. . .whaddya mean that wasn’t a resolution?).

In honor of this momentous occasion, I thought I’d start a series of blogs featuring some everyday ideas that you can work into your own life in order to make yourself a little more Jack Bauerrific.

Please be aware that actually utilizing these life changing techniques will probably drive away your friends and signifigant others, may cause you to lose your job, and become physically injured or killed.

You may be wondering, "why would I want to do this then you crazy moron?" Well the answer is simple: by making yourself more like Jack Bauer you’ll be able to ignore all those stupid rules, restrictions and moral qualms that keep you from fufilling your true, wonderful potential! You’ll be able to accomplish all the things you’ve only ever dreamed of.

That’s right true-believers, just re-enact some of these Jack Bauer inspired moments into your life and soon all your dreams will be coming true:

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A Sample Conversation With Your Boss

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You knock on your boss Ted’s door.

You: Hey Ted, can I talk to you a second?

Ted: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

You: Look Ted, I’m going to need a raise RIGHT NOW.

Ted: Ummm, hold on a second. Performance reviews aren’t done until the end of the quar. . .

You: (interupting). . .DAMNIT TED. Listen to me. This isn’t the time or the place for this. I know you’ve never forgiven me for ratting out Randall and James in shipping. I’m aware they both had families they needed to feed, but both you and I know that they were dirty. If I hadn’t done what you know deep inside had to be done, then someone innocent would have taken the fall. Would you have rather it was someone like suzanne in HR?

Ted: Wha, What are you talking about?

You: Don’t play dumb with me Ted. Right now we have a mole working somewhere in this office. If I don’t get this raise. . .millions of people are going to die. Do you understand me Ted?

Ted: You’re scaring me. I’m going to call security.

You: DAMNIT TED. You’ve left me with no choice!

you proceed to jab Ted’s thigh with a giant syringe filled with animal tranquilizer. As Ted slips into unconsciousness, you take an early lunch.

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END SCENE

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A Sample Conversation Picking Your Child Up From School

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Your minivan pulls up to the school curb, and your little boy freddy hops in.

Freddy: Mommy, mommy. Yaaaaaaay.

You: Hi Sunshine. Did you have a great day?

Freddy: I sure did, we got to do finger-painting and play in the. . . (you unbuckle your seatbelt, and pull a blind-fold and handcuffs from under the seat) . . .mommy what are you doing?

You: Listen very carefully to me. I know this is going to be hard for you to understand. I’m going to need to leave you here.

Freddy: Leave me here? But why mommy?

You: Shhhhhhh. Shhhhhhhh. Its okay. Its okay. (you handcuff little Freddy) I am so proud of you. I am so proud of you.

Freddy: Whhhhhhhyyyyyyy? What did I do?

You: What do you think the bully Rodriguez is going to think if he finds you’ve just up and vanished?

Freddy: I dunno.

You: Well, I’ll tell you what. He’s going to know that you blew the whistle on him, and do you know what will happen then?

Freddy: No.

You: Millions of people are going to die. Do you understand me? Do you understand me?

Freddy silenty nods yes.

You: Good. I’m going to put this blindfold on, and we’re going to leave you where Rodriguez is sure to see you. When he does, we’ll finally be able to catch him picking on you. Then we’ll have some proof for the president to authorize missile strikes against Rodriguez parent’s house.

Freddy: But mommy, I’m scared. Rodriguez is going to beat me up and I can’t even see him coming.

You: I’m not going to lie to you. There’s some risk involved. But we’ll have six undercover agents watching you at all times. You see that roof? We’ve got snipers up on that roof. The whole area is covered with hidden cameras, you’re wearing a microphone, and we have satellite coverage of the area. . .nothing can possibly go wrong.

Freddy: Okay then.

You: Freddy. I love you.

Freddy: I love you too mommy.

You place the blindfold over Freddy’s eyes, drop him off at day care and go enjoy a cappucino.

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END SCENE

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Stay tuned for more exciting examples of you can be more like Jack Bauer in your daily life!

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 15th, 2006 at 4:28 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.