yakface speaketh!

Another season of the Jack Bauer Power Hour (aka the TV show "24") is just about to be released upon those-of-us-who-are-not-worthy.

If you’ve never actually watched a full season of "24" I’m just gonna tell you that you’ve missed on out on some fine action/drama/cliffhangers. Now is your chance to fufill your new year’s resolution to watch more quality television (. . .whaddya mean that wasn’t a resolution?).

In honor of this momentous occasion, I thought I’d start a series of blogs featuring some everyday ideas that you can work into your own life in order to make yourself a little more Jack Bauerrific.

Please be aware that actually utilizing these life changing techniques will probably drive away your friends and signifigant others, may cause you to lose your job, and become physically injured or killed.

You may be wondering, "why would I want to do this then you crazy moron?" Well the answer is simple: by making yourself more like Jack Bauer you’ll be able to ignore all those stupid rules, restrictions and moral qualms that keep you from fufilling your true, wonderful potential! You’ll be able to accomplish all the things you’ve only ever dreamed of.

That’s right true-believers, just re-enact some of these Jack Bauer inspired moments into your life and soon all your dreams will be coming true:

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A Sample Conversation With Your Boss

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You knock on your boss Ted’s door.

You: Hey Ted, can I talk to you a second?

Ted: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

You: Look Ted, I’m going to need a raise RIGHT NOW.

Ted: Ummm, hold on a second. Performance reviews aren’t done until the end of the quar. . .

You: (interupting). . .DAMNIT TED. Listen to me. This isn’t the time or the place for this. I know you’ve never forgiven me for ratting out Randall and James in shipping. I’m aware they both had families they needed to feed, but both you and I know that they were dirty. If I hadn’t done what you know deep inside had to be done, then someone innocent would have taken the fall. Would you have rather it was someone like suzanne in HR?

Ted: Wha, What are you talking about?

You: Don’t play dumb with me Ted. Right now we have a mole working somewhere in this office. If I don’t get this raise. . .millions of people are going to die. Do you understand me Ted?

Ted: You’re scaring me. I’m going to call security.

You: DAMNIT TED. You’ve left me with no choice!

you proceed to jab Ted’s thigh with a giant syringe filled with animal tranquilizer. As Ted slips into unconsciousness, you take an early lunch.

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END SCENE

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A Sample Conversation Picking Your Child Up From School

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Your minivan pulls up to the school curb, and your little boy freddy hops in.

Freddy: Mommy, mommy. Yaaaaaaay.

You: Hi Sunshine. Did you have a great day?

Freddy: I sure did, we got to do finger-painting and play in the. . . (you unbuckle your seatbelt, and pull a blind-fold and handcuffs from under the seat) . . .mommy what are you doing?

You: Listen very carefully to me. I know this is going to be hard for you to understand. I’m going to need to leave you here.

Freddy: Leave me here? But why mommy?

You: Shhhhhhh. Shhhhhhhh. Its okay. Its okay. (you handcuff little Freddy) I am so proud of you. I am so proud of you.

Freddy: Whhhhhhhyyyyyyy? What did I do?

You: What do you think the bully Rodriguez is going to think if he finds you’ve just up and vanished?

Freddy: I dunno.

You: Well, I’ll tell you what. He’s going to know that you blew the whistle on him, and do you know what will happen then?

Freddy: No.

You: Millions of people are going to die. Do you understand me? Do you understand me?

Freddy silenty nods yes.

You: Good. I’m going to put this blindfold on, and we’re going to leave you where Rodriguez is sure to see you. When he does, we’ll finally be able to catch him picking on you. Then we’ll have some proof for the president to authorize missile strikes against Rodriguez parent’s house.

Freddy: But mommy, I’m scared. Rodriguez is going to beat me up and I can’t even see him coming.

You: I’m not going to lie to you. There’s some risk involved. But we’ll have six undercover agents watching you at all times. You see that roof? We’ve got snipers up on that roof. The whole area is covered with hidden cameras, you’re wearing a microphone, and we have satellite coverage of the area. . .nothing can possibly go wrong.

Freddy: Okay then.

You: Freddy. I love you.

Freddy: I love you too mommy.

You place the blindfold over Freddy’s eyes, drop him off at day care and go enjoy a cappucino.

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END SCENE

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Stay tuned for more exciting examples of you can be more like Jack Bauer in your daily life!

I have to work every Friday night. I’ve done this now for nearly two years.

Worse still, all the clients I work for either work late Friday nights trying to finish a project up, or dump a bunch of stuff to be digitzed for Monday. Either way I’m screwed with lots of work on Fridays which prevents me from getting out early.

Sure, as a trade-off I get Sunday nights off, but everyone else wants to go to bed early that night.

So yeah, you might be thinking that working Friday nights is an incredible drag; having to slave away at work while all your friends go out and do something incredibly fun. . .and you’d be right.

But I want to focus on the silver lining of this funny thing called life. In honor of ‘Friday the 13th’, without further ado I present (in no particular order) the top ten great things about working Friday nights:

1. Instead of spending money at movies, restaraunts, bars, etc. I’m making money. Since no one actually wants to go out Sunday, its not like I just end up spending this money on a different night.

2. I usually have ample time (if I want) to search the inernet for fun events occuring during the rest of the weekend. Now I just actually need to do this!

3. I have a built in excuse to get out of things I don’t want to do. Instead of having to tell people that I have to do laundry (or something like that), I just tell the truth: "I gotta work, sorry."

4. Similar to #3, I would undoubtably spend many a Friday sitting at home watching TV or doing something equally as boring. This way, I avoid these "loser moments" because no one thinks it’s uncool to watch a DVD on Sunday night.

5. No hangover Saturday morning. ‘Nuff said.

6. From a diet standpoint, it is much easier to eat healthy going out to eat one less night a week.

7. Similar to #6, most people don’t exercise (or go to the gym) on Friday because they work all day and then go out at night. I don’t have this problem; since I work at night I can easily go to the gym in the afternoon before I start (like I did today).

8. Sure, I have to take a day off (Friday) if I want to fly somewhere for the weekend, but getting to come back on Monday afternoon instead of Sunday night has been a lifesaver a couple of times.

9. Those rare occassions I actually do get out of work early enough on a Friday to do go out make it seem like a 3-day weekend. I get to do fun stuff on Friday and Saturday and still stay up late on Sunday night. Excellent.

10. It gives me an opportunity to update my blog. . .   

I’m ready for pennies to be extinct.

I really don’t understand why they are still a part of our society. With inflation having affected the cost of goods, nothing has been sold for under .05 cents in decades and I honestly don’t believe there is enough of a psychological difference between $29.99 and $29.95 to warrant a seperate piece of currency.

I can’t stand pennies, and judging from the amount of ‘em left on the counters of numerous convience stores, a whole lot of people agree with me.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the most frugal person. This isn’t to say that I blow my money frivolously, but rather I tend to think that the time and energy involved in saving a few cents usually isn’t worth the actual $ amount saved.

For instance, the time it takes to search for coupons in the paper, cut them out, carry them around and remember to actually use them in the appropriate store simply doesn’t justify the paltry amount of pennies saved in this process.

I’m not trying to say that everyone should be like me, but I imagine that even the most frugal-minded shopper wouldn’t mind prices being rounded up (or down) to the nearest nickel.

It would be a victimless change as far as I can tell, unless there is some giant zinc industry that relies on pennies to employ thousands of workers. . .which, now that I think about it, is likely the real reason pennies still exist today.

And while we’re on the subject of .01 cent increments, I’d also like to send out a general call to the United States Postal Service: ENOUGH WITH THE .01 or .02 CENT STAMP INCREASES LIKE EVERY DAMN YEAR!

Just raise the price of a stamp up to .50 cents and be done with it for like ten years. Hell, if I can get another window open at the post office I’ll gladly pay .60 cents a letter.

Unfortunately probably the only way the government could be convinced to abandon the penny would be if some terrorist group figured out a way to attack America using pennies. A giant penny bomb dropped over the white house, or exploding shoes filled with pennies on a plane. . .

. . .I just want to go on record to the FBI agents now perusing this blog and say that any penny-related terrorist attacks that occur are entirely coincidental with the content of this blog entry.