yakface speaketh!

I just noticed CNN on at work, with the bold headline "Frozen Airman".

I was wondering what would that title be if the guy was a navy pilot, perhaps: "Frozen Seaman"?

I’d like to think so. I’d imagine the reporter would start the story by saying: "Today we have new information on the frozen seaman found in a California glacier."

And of course in the the next room Mr. Ferley’s eyes bug out of his head.

Come and knock on our door. . .

So every health/diet expert and their mom tells me that I should be drinking 6-8 glasses of water a day.

I don’t have anything against water. As far as I’m concerned, it is as universally un-offensive as anything on the planet. However, trying to chug that much of it every single day just makes it a chore.

What is worse, I heard some "expert" say that by the time you actually feel thirsty, you are already suffering from mild dehydration.

What the hell is that? That’s a pretty stupid evolutionary accomplishment. How about when we actually need water, we crave it? And when we don’t crave it, we don’t need it? Seems like that would be the way to go.

Besides, when I actually do drink the proper amount of daily liquid, I end up having to take a piss every 30 minutes or so. Who wants to live like that?

So I’m stuck trying to drink something I’m not thirsty for, is just plain boring, and makes me piss all the time. Bah. Why do we have to be 80% (or whatever the figure is) water?

I’ve gotta ding god in the creativity department on this one. Why not make us like 80% mashed potatoes or ice cream? Why can’t the doctors tell us all that we should be eating 8 bowls of jello every day?

I guess we’d be all sloshy, slow, and have to stay out of the heat. . .but still, I think it would probably be worth it.

Next time I go to the doctor (someday) I’ll have to see about the feasibility of having my blood replaced with gravy.

Recently I have seen a flurry of bumper stickers/window decals proclaiming the following:  "Jesus is God. Read the Bible."

Now, no offense intended to Christians (I consider myself one), but I have come to the conclusion that this is either one of the most idiotic stickers ever produced or a genius work of repetitious marketing.

On one hand, the sticker may be telling unbelievers: "Guess what suckers? Whatever religion you are into and savior you believe in, you are in for a BIG surprise when you die! In actuality, Jesus is God. Yeah that’s right and if you don’t believe me, just read the (christian) bible. It says so right in there, idiot. Why not read it and you’ll see plain as day?"

Now, if this really is the tone the sticker is taking, than I have decided it is certainly the most idiotic sticker I have ever seen produced in my life. Yes, even worse than "Save the Earth".

This is because the book the sticker tells you to look in is the book the religion is based upon! If you go and read the Koran it will tell you that Muhammad is the one true prophet. If you read the Jewish scriptures, they will tell you the son of god is yet to come, etc, etc, etc.

The point is, it would be pretty stupid if the text a religion was based upon didn’t proclaim that its founder/deity was divine. That would be a pretty crappy religion.

So for this sticker to tell non-Christians to go read the Christian bible to be convinced about Jesus’s divinity is like telling Jews to go read Nazi propaganda to find out what a swell guy Hitler was, or saying: "Spider-man has super powers. Read the comic book."  No duh. Of course the comic book is going to tell you Spider-man has super powers. Does that suddenly make it true if you don’t believe that the comic book is a factual account?

What would really be impressive was a sticker that said: "Jesus is God. Read the Koran, page 245, paragraph 8, 3rd sentence." Then the millions of Muslims who see the sticker would rush home, read their Koran, slap themselves in the forehead for being wrong this whole time and immediately convert to Christianity. That would be one hell of a bumper sticker.

However, I want to believe that the person came up with this sticker (and the thousands of people who actually put it on their car) aren’t that dense. They just can’t be. I want to believe in the innate intelligence of humanity. So to give them the benefit of the doubt, there has to be another tone the message in the sticker can take. Sure enough, there is.

The sticker can simply be proclaiming: "Jesus is God! Believe it, cause I’m yelling it!" Then as a secondary message: "Read the Bible! Just do it! You’ll love it!" Under this premise, the sticker isn’t trying to convince anyone by getting them to read the bible. Instead it just simply tells whoever glances at the sticker that Jesus is Lord, and by the way, read the bible.

I see this sort of as a mass marketing campaign to just deluge the streets with the message. The first time you read the sticker you think: "Man that’s a stupid sticker". The next 10 times you see it you just ignore it. But by the 50th time it crosses your vision, without even knowing it, you start to think: "Man, Muhammad is cool and all, but I really think that Jesus is God. And wow, I dunno why, but I think instead of drinking tonight I might just go read the bible."

See? Brilliant!

I am so impressed with this marketing campaign that I’ve decided to adopt it for myself. Coming soon I will be releasing the following bumper sticker/window decal: "yakface is boss. Buy me Waffles."

If enough of you get on board with my program and place the sticker on their vehicle, within a year I expect random people to approach me and ask for a raise while handing me a delicious Belgian waffle.

On this glorious day, peace on earth will reign supreme as the Israelites and the Palestinians lay down their weapons in an effort to fetch me breakfast.

I can see it already in my mind.

So today it is pouring rain. Storm Watch 7,000 on every news channel here in LA has let me know so. Comcast also makes sure to interupt Storm Watch every 10 minutes to let me know that there is a LA county warning of heavy rain.

I am very relieved that the emergency broadcasting network is being used to interupt news coverage of rain to tell me there is rain. This all might have been a big shock to me if I didn’t have eyes and ears and windows. Perhaps if I lived in a concrete bunker created by the Dharma corporation I would be very grateful for the 24 hour coverage of rain.

But that isn’t the point of this entry, oh no! The point of this entry is to tell you how much I enjoy the rain.

I do. I enjoy it. Here in California, rain is relatively rare and when it shows up it is like a big present from god. I like the wet smell of asphalt, I like the sound of rain on my roof when I’m falling asleep, I like standing in the rain and just getting wet.

Now, when it does end up raining for several days and/or weeks in a row, that novelty starts to wear off, and like most people, I get tired of the mud, the wet car smell, the crappy traffic and tracking water onto my carpet.

But I don’t want to focus on when my marriage to rain goes sour, I want to focus on my rain marriage honeymoon.

Today on the way to work I was wondering exactly why I like rain so much. Sure, it usually means that the Sun is concealed which always makes my day (much more on that in the future, I promise),  and yes it is nice to occasionally have a change of pace from the endless California sunshine, but I think the biggest reason is this:

I love the "safe" feeling I get in the car or in bed at night with the sound of rain pattering on the roof. I think in a strange way it reminds me how fortunate I am to have a roof over my head and a car to drive.

When you imagine life without the luxuries many of us take for granted, such as being homeless, I think you really have to thank god, budha, the random luck of evolution or whatever deity you worship for the blessings you do have.

Simply put, rain reminds me that I’m alive, I’m safe, and life really is pretty good.

Plus, Lightning and Thunder are pretty exciting.

So, when did Friendster turn into a hot-bed of Russian mail-order spam?

Now, I’m assuming the female members of friendster haven’t gotten a chance to enjoy this particular phenomenon, so I’ll take this opporunity to fill you in.

In the last 4 weeks or so, I’ve gotten about a dozen messages from random women with exotic names like "Alexis, Illana, Olga" and of course "Natasha".

In very fractured english they all let me know that based on my friendster profile that they like my "structure".

While this information is both flattering and simultaneously hilarious, thanks to my friend the exiled nigerian diplomat, I’m a little weary of believing these hordes of incredibly hot and desperate foreigners.

Perhaps I’m being close-minded. These may indeed be real women who actually do love my structure. Maybe I should take a chance and get to know these fine lasses. . .

Nah.

Here I am working all night long yet again.

Avids’ comfortably digitizing in the background, I am stuck with a whopping 1 1/2 hours between tape changes. That means I sit around for 1 1/2 hours waiting to do something.

For what I get paid to do this, I can’t really complain (yet I do). Its just boring. Booooring.

I feel like that commercial where the guy looks at his computer and it tells him: "you have reached the end of the internet."

That’s me. Every night.

So tonight I’m so bored that I actually started this stupid blog on Friendster to waste some time.

That’s really about it. I went to Oktoberfest this weekend and drank some beer (and danced the chicken dance). Besides that I played Softball for the second weekend in a row and pulled both my hamstrings. Still, it is very nice to be playing a sport again. I really need to join a friendly soccer team.

That’s it until I get bored enough to write again!